By Meheck Mukherjee
Author of “Cool Daddy, Cool Mommy
It’s a typical Wednesday afternoon. Sweta quickly wraps up her work, her mood buoyant. She’s party-hopping today; first little Sara’s, then naughty Amit’s birthday bash. Her outfit is ready: the lovely dress, matching pink footwear, a sleek white bag. She calls her friends coordinating the minutest details. Plans are buzzing on the phone; rides, kids gifts, dresses, gossip. She is so excited. She laughs, recalls one of the other parties where the host was worried about the wastage of food. She makes a mental note she will not waste anything today.
Just as Sweta is getting dressed, the doorbell rings. It’s Krish, her six-year-old son, home from school. Sweta rushes to open the door, still basking in party-mode excitement. But what greets her is not joy—it’s worry. Krish is red, itchy, scratched and feverish – an allergic reaction. Her smile fades. She springs into action, gives him anti-allergy medicine and comforts him. She is visibly upset and Krish wonders why is she so upset and that he will be fine soon. “Don’t worry, Mama,” he says, “I’ll be fine.”
But Krish doesn’t understand what’s truly bothering his mom. She says she is fine but isn’t! He can feel it but can’t understand or define what is it. He thinks mom is angry with me and he is now very scared. They have missed the party because of him. He shouldn’t have fallen sick.
Yes, Sweta’s upset that her child is unwell. But another truth lies beneath, she’s equally heartbroken that her evening is now ruined. Her heart pains and she visits the bathroom where a silent tear drops. She freshens up, perks up her mood, walks out of the bathroom and checks on Krish’s health assuring him he will be fine in few hours.
Now she can’t go to the party, dance and have fun and escape from the drudgery of her monotonous life. She feels she doesn’t deserve to be happy and something always happens and her joy converts to sadness. There is no escape. She can never have fun.
She calls her friend (another mother) and shares they can’t make it to the party and adds, “This happens often. It upsets me.”
This subtle but powerful emotional conflict is not uncommon. In fact, it’s a growing pattern in modern parenting, what I call the Energy Vampire Syndrome, a term I introduce in my book “Cool Daddy, Cool Mommy.”
The Making of an Energy Vampire Parent
Many of us grew up with the unspoken rule: Be a good girl. Be a good boy. No tantrums. No complaints. Be obedient. Be agreeable. Emotions were often buried, choices limited and childhood joy quietly sacrificed for approval or survival. THE GOOD GIRL/BOY SYNDROME
Fast forward to adulthood; now, as parents, we overcompensate. We give our children everything we didn’t get. The good girl/boy is now the good parent. (chapter 8- Choices and Voices of Children)
But in the process, we sometimes cross the line between love and projection. The child’s birthday party becomes our chance to enjoy, feel heard, feel seen and belong.
The dance class we never took becomes their “dream.” The excitement isn’t just theirs; it’s ours, borrowed from them. It doesn’t end there – and is carried to choice of career, travel destinations, friends and even future partners are influenced by parents projections.
And when that plan is disrupted…like it was for Sweta, it’s not just about the child anymore. It’s about our unhealed wounds surfacing in disappointment, frustration and guilt.
Children as Emotional Extensions
Children are born with radiant, unfiltered, unlimited energy. Their presence uplifts not only the parent but also heals generational trauma and brings a shift in emotional dynamics.
But when a parent begins drawing from that energy, consciously or not, reversing the flow of energy upward; the child stops being just a child. They become an emotional crutch, a carrier of dreams unfulfilled, a mirror of the parent’s lost self – the self that was unable to live to its whole potential.
There is no more individual choice now, it is familial or societal choice as individuals become needy of societal approval completely destroying their essence and personality, living as an image of the group behaviour, eventually developing same lifestyle issues stemming largely from giving up our choices. Every time a child gives up his choice, he dies a bit inside, unable to feel, unwilling to be seen or heard or the opposite – demanding of attention, constantly needing to be seen or heard.
This is especially common in households where one parent is emotionally or physically unavailable. Children often adapt by becoming “mini adults”; sensitive, obedient, responsible.
Over time, the roles reverse. The child becomes the strong one and starts parenting the parent – known as Parentification. The parent seeks validation from them. The relationship turns transactional, emotional energy constantly shifting back and forth..
This is not conscious abuse, it’s subconscious compensation. But the effects are real. The child begins to live for the parent’s approval. And the parent, still unresolved within, finds purpose only in the child’s world.
The Subtle Damage – PARENTAL GASLIGHTING
What seems like devotion becomes control. The child loses agency. They’re praised for compliance, not authenticity. What the parent missed, be it art class, sports, parties gets repackaged as “opportunities” for the child, regardless of the child’s own preferences.
The child resists, but the parent pushes harder, thinking they’re doing it “for their good.” This tug-of-war leads to power struggles, emotional disconnect and sometimes lifelong resentment. Thus, a power game keeps unfolding in between the child and parents where none of them is truly connected to their true self and is living a half life of survival.
Meanwhile, the parent lives a life only half their own, defined by the child’s choices and experiences. They stay in the good books, not out of love, but out of fear of being left behind, or no longer needed. This wound resurfaces when the child leaves the nest as THE EMPTY NEST SYNDROME. And the cycle goes on.
Breaking the Cycle: What Can You Do?
It’s possible to break this pattern and it begins with self-awareness.
- Be in Question, Not in Conclusion
Ask your child what they want. Honour their preferences. Don’t assume what’s right just because it feels good to you.
- Give Them Space
Children don’t need 24/7 surveillance. They need freedom to make mistakes, take risks and grow without micromanagement or constant surveillance.
- Live Your Own Life
Find your passions. Build your own friendships, beyond your childs friends parents. Develop hobbies. Your child should not be your only source of joy.
- Heal Your Inner Child.
Recognize your unmet needs. Seek therapy, journaling, or inner child work. Heal the parts of you still craving attention or approval.
- Make Choices From Love, Not Fear.
Check your motivations. Are you teaching him swimming from joy of swimming or fear of drowning.
Parenting is not about correcting your past. It’s about supporting your child’s present. Your job is not to relive your childhood through theirs, but to create a safe, spacious environment for them to live theirs.
When parents release the grip of projection and reclaim their own identity, both generations thrive. Because the best gift you can give your child is your wholeness, not your wounds in disguise.
Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are those of Ms. Meheck Mukherjee, author of “Cool Daddy, Cool Mommy.” They are her personal insights and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of any affiliated organizations or entities.
Last Updated on Monday, July 14, 2025 4:25 pm by The Entrepreneur India Team
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